God’s Faithfulness

I love how God works.  You know…sometimes He works behind the scenes.  Giving you a nudge or suggestion.  Other times, He’s a bit more direct – with a sermon.  Or an email. :)

I got this in my email today, and the prayer just soothes my heart.  God knows what I need to hear.  He knows that I need strength, because mine is weakening.

I love how God works. :)

From Max Lucado’s email: Loved By A Faithful God

Father, earthly stress and struggles remind us of your faithfulness. Help us, Lord, to serve you without grumbling. May we, like the apostle Paul, choose to plant a garden in the bricks of our “prison.” Help plant our thoughts firmly on your faithfulness. All hope comes from you, amen.

God answers

I was in the car on Saturday, flipping through radio stations, and I landed on K-LOVE.  And I’ll be honest – I don’t know the song or the artist, but she was describing how she came to write this song.  I think it might have been called Blessings?  I’m not sure.

Anyways.  It’s based on a verse from James:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds…” – James 1:2

Now, right now, I’m going to work on the joy part of this journey.  It’s gonna be difficult.  Really difficult.  But I’m going to work on it. :)

A depressing post…

…just mark as read if you’re not in the mood for anything “heavy.”  It’s kind of deep, very honest, and not a light post.


My 28th birthday.  I was hoping for the most amazing present.  I was hoping that I would be pregnant.
And not just because it’s my birthday.  I know better than that.  This month, though, we tried a different approach.  I took different medicine, had an ultrasound to verify a follicle, a shot to force ovulation.


So, not only was I hopeful – I was expectant.  Because things looked so much more promising this time around.


And I should have known better.  Let’s be blunt – we’ve been trying to get me pregnant for over 2 years.  I should just know better.


But if I’ve learned anything from this experience (and I’ve learned a lot), it’s that my plan and expectations mean nothing.


So, less than a week before my birthday, instead of a positive pregnancy test, I get my period.  Happy Birthday to me.


Wednesday I started spotting.  And on Wednesday, one of my best friends also told me that she was pregnant.  Holy emotional overload.


This post – it’s just honest.  It’s how I feel.


I’m extremely happy for my friend.  I love her, and I can’t wait to meet their little baby.  But that doesn’t make it easy for me.


Now?  I’m angry.  I’m disappointed.  I’m sad.  I feel guilty.  I’m jealous.  I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of not being able to control my tears.  I’m questioning God and His timing.  I’m not questioning His existence – just His reasoning, His timing.  I’m tired of the “It’ll happen” remarks.  I’m tired of the pity.  I’m tired of “waiting for it to happen”.  I’m tired of the headaches and roller coaster emotions caused by my medicines.  I’m just tired.


And Marc.  Bless him…he’s been so good through all this.  I mean, he has an over-emotional wife who can’t stop crying.  And there’s nothing anyone can say, even Marc, that makes it better.  He – the way he’s been with all of this – I love him even more than I thought I could.


So I go through this cycle emotionally.  Resolve to go through the process yet again.  Hope, even though I tell myself to keep in check – not to get my hopes up, not to expect anything.  Disbelief – maybe it’s implantation bleeding, not spotting.  Disappointment and anger (at myself, because I know better than to hope too much) because I’ve started my period.  Again.  Sadness and tears.


Is there a point where we take a break?  Because everyone says “It’ll happen when you least expect it.”  Well, that time has come and gone, again and again.  Because every month, I start out being realistic, and the hope, faith, and optimism just build, and I’m overwhelmed by the let down.


And it’s not just me that I let down, but so many others.  I know that there are so many people who go through this with us.  There are so many people who love us who want this for us, too.  And they’re heartbroken every month, too.  And not just because of that, but because they see our pain, and they hurt with and for us.


I feel as though I’m a failure, as though my body is a failure.  I question my body.  I question what I’ve done, or not done, so that God won’t give me a baby.  I know that’s not how it works.  I KNOW that.  But in the midst of my tears, I get angry at God.  I question Him.  I want to know what His timing is.  What I’ve done wrong in my life.  What do I need to still do?  Like I said – I KNOW that’s not how it goes, but that’s just how I FEEL.


So, what does it all mean?  Where do I stand, now?  Same place as every month.  Ready to try, again, for another month.  Bitter is probably the best feeling to describe how I feel right now, though.  I’ll be better in a week – better when I can think things through more logically, less emotionally.


If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading.  I’m sorry for being Debbie Downer.  I’ve been debating whether to write this or not…but it’s been good for me to write things down.  I would love your prayers, though. :) Can I ask for prayers?  And not just that God would give me the desires of my heart, but that I will be strengthened.  Strengthened in spirit, in body.  Emotionally.  Thank you, loves. :) I appreciate you. :)

The hard stuff…

I always have this internal debate about how personal, how “real”, to get on this blog.

And I often think that it would be easier if I were completely anonymous.  Or if all of you were anonymous, so that I didn’t know exactly (using the term loosely) who views this blog.

In all honesty, it’s harder to write, harder to be me, knowing that people I know in real life read what I write.

Because it’s hard to be happy all the time.  Especially when that’s not reality.

So.  What’s real?

- I was miserable in my job for the past two years.  I’m finally happy with my job (same job, different leadership/staff).  We are in a different office, with different leadership, different everything, really.  And I love it.  Not to say I don’t miss some of the former – I miss my former receptionist = she’s a really nice lady, and she knew exactly what to do. I miss my old commute time = I’m driving about 45 minutes each way, now.  Gives me time to think and unwind after work, though. :)

- For the past 26 months, I’ve been unable to get pregnant.  And it’s not for lack of trying! ;) So, by definition, I’m dealing with infertility.  Is it a coincidence that I’ve been unhappy at work for about the same amount of time?  No.  I don’t really believe in coincidences.  I do believe that God knows best.  And He knew that mentally, and emotionally, I wouldn’t have been able to be the best mom.  With that being said, I’m happy, now, God!  I’m ready (or as ready as I can get?)!! :) (There have been many doctors visits, many tests, my body works, my husband’s body works…just no kid.  Yet.)

- When I was miserable at work, I had TONS of extra time to goof off online and write blogs.  Currently, I’m slammed with work, and thus, have no time to blog at work.  Shame.  And by the time I get home, after working on a computer for 8+ hours, sue me for not wanting to get on the laptop there to blog.  I’ve got to work something out, though.  I miss my writing out my thoughts. :)

- My 10 year high school reunion is this year.  I’ll be one of “those people” at the homecoming football game.  One of “those people” that, at the time, I thought was so old.  And this event, stupid as it may be, has me looking at my life and evaluating what I’ve DONE with my life over the past 10 years.  Besides graduating from college and getting married…can’t say that there’s much else I’ve DONE.  Kind of depressing.  And this goes back to the fact that I can’t get pregnant.  Now THAT would be an accomplishment!! :)

- My trust in God is constantly tested.  Do I trust that God will give me a baby?  Do I trust that He is faithful to me and my desires?  Do I simply trust God?  Yes.  I do.  Is it always easy and happy doing so?  Absolutely not.  I have to consistently remind myself that there’s a plan.  And it’s not MY plan.  If it were MY plan, I would have gotten pregnant 2 years ago, and I’d have a little rugrat running around. :)  God’s plan is different from mine, obviously, but His plan is perfect. :) Sometimes, though, my heart hurts too much to listen to reason, and I throw myself a pity party.  I’m forever on this emotional roller coaster that NEVER.ENDS.  Thank you, hormone drugs.  I’m forever grateful.

I have to laugh and make jokes about our situation.  I mean, how else do you work through it?  And I am in NO WAY saying that our infertility path is worse than yours is or might be.  Either way, it just sucks.  Some women may NEVER get pregnant.  And that thought saddens me.  I’m often angry…so, so angry…when I hear that some girl, woman, whatever is pregnant.  And I get judgmental, thinking that the family and home and LOVE that I can and will provide one day is better than someone else’s.  I’m absolutely EATEN UP with jealousy.  And I hate it.  And I have to check myself.  But that’s how I feel.  That’s honest.

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With that, I hope I haven’t scared you off. :) And if I do know you in real life, can we keep this between just you and me?  I know that this isn’t a private blog, but I’d love to think that I can trust you. :) Pretty please?

And if you struggle with infertility, and need to vent about the “injustices” of it all, I’m here.  I am in NO WAY an expert.  But I have some experience.  And I can share with you.  And I’m being told, though many sermons and bible verses that just keep.showing.up that this may be part of my personal ministry.  My way of showing God’s love for all of his children – young and old. :)

Have a great day, everyone! :)

And because I HAVE to have a photo – and I need something happy to go with this heavy post.  So, in anticipation of Memorial Day, here you go.  Can’t wait for some beach time with our friends…much needed break! :)

Do you trust Him?

I get weekly emails from Max Lucado.  Usually, they’re good.  Today, I got just what I needed. :) Amazing how God works like that, huh? :)

Today’s topic was “Do you trust Him?”.  Max starts off by saying that God knows all things that will happen, both good and bad.  Just because God knows something bad is going to happen, that doesn’t mean that He doesn’t care about those things.  It just means he has a purpose behind those things.

Here are a few excerpts from the email, because, really, Max just says things so well:

“From Gethsemane’s garden Christ pleaded for a Plan B. Redemption with no nails. “ ‘Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine.’ Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him” (Luke 22:42–43).

Did God hear the prayer of his Son? Enough to send an angel. Did God spare his Son from death? No. The glory of God outranked the comfort of Christ. So Christ suffered, and God’s grace was displayed and deployed.”

Jesus didn’t want to have to die on the cross.  He asked his Father to take that away – to use a different plan to save us all – but God’s plan was perfect.

“He authors all itineraries. He knows what is best. No struggle will come your way apart from his purpose, presence, and permission. What encouragement this brings! You are never the victim of nature or the prey of fate. Chance is eliminated. You are more than a weather vane whipped about by the winds of fortune.”


There are no coincidences.  God doesn’t make mistakes.  That doesn’t mean that our life is easy, or even that we understand everything that we go through.  We don’t have to – God knows.  We just need to trust that He really does know what He’s doing…and He does. :)

“We live beneath the protective palm of a sovereign King who superintends every circumstance of our lives and delights in doing us good.

Nothing comes your way that has not first passed through the filter of his love.”


I love that last sentence - “Nothing comes your way that has not first passed through the filter of his love.”  Doesn’t that bring you reassurance?!?  It does me.  It soothes my heart of the aches it feels because of some of the things that I’m going through right now.  I know that God knows best – and I just have to trust Him, really trust Him, that I will come through this, and I will glorify Him in the process. :)

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Happy Thursday, y’all!  Hope you have a fabulous day!! :)

Anxious

I’m frustrated with myself.

See, I have this doctor’s appointment this afternoon.  And I’m anxious.  Nervous.  Dreading.it.

But, it’ll be a good thing – I’ll know more when it’s over. =.)

So, when I got to work and tore away yesterday’s scripture from my daily calendar and I saw this scripture, I smiled.

“The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.” – Psalm 145:9

I know that God has compassion for me – that scripture right there just reminds me of that. =.) God made me just as I am…problems, annoyances, heart, soul, mind, body, personality.  I am His creation.

Now, I just need to stop worrying about this appointment and get on with my day! =.)

“…he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” – James 1:6

I will NOT doubt God’s plan for my life.  I will have FAITH that all will work out.  I will TRUST in my Savior. =.)

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I hope you have a fabulous Thursday! =.)

Still doesn’t seem real…

Something awful has happened.  We lost one of our friends.  That was Tuesday, March 2, 2010.  We lost our friend Brad at the age of 26.  His birthday is tomorrow, March 12th.

He died while doing tree trimming work.

You see, Brad was a firefighter.  On his days off, he and several other firemen worked for a tree trimming company.  On Tuesday, Brad was working, and fell from a tree.

He didn’t survive.

On Thursday, a ton of people turned out for his visitation at the funeral home.  The firemen were lining the hall leading to the family.  They show so much respect for their fallen.  They had their fire truck in front of the funeral home for the service.  There was a huge flag hanging from the raised ladder.  It was absolutely beautiful.  The fire station even had this banner made with Brad in all of his fire gear, In loving memory.

The funeral was Friday.  Gosh, Brad was loved.  He was loved so, so much.  The church was completely packed with all of his family and friends, and his fire family.  The service was just wonderful.  The preacher spoke a little, then the fire chaplain spoke.  After that, they opened it up to friends who wanted to say something about Brad.  His superiors and co-workers got up and talked about Brad and his work ethic.  How he was just great at being a fireman, and how he loved it.  Everyone told great stories.  We laughed and we cried.

The firemen all lined up again as Brad was taken out for his final ride.  All of the city fire trucks led the way.  It was all so touching.

At the graveside, they gave him a fireman’s burial, and a Mason’s burial.

It’s just so hard to watch his family and friends going through all of this heartache.

With all of this happening last week, it’s made me realize how God hasn’t promised us tomorrow.

So, live each day to the fullest.

Make sure everyone knows you love them.

Don’t take friends and family for granted.

Thank God for the blessings He has given you in this temporary life.

Make your life MEAN something…even if it just means you’re a great mom, sister, brother, son, father, daughter, grandmother, grandfather.

Don’t let a day go by where you regret your decisions.

Take advantage of your life, your love.

 

And for Brad:

“The road goes on forever, and the party never ends.”

Peace

Do you have a place where you are just filled with peace?  A place where this wave of calm just washes over you, and you feel at peace?  With your life, your circumstances?  Where you just know that everything is going to be alright?

I have a few places that give me this feeling.

1. There’s a bench at the end of the pier at Fort Caswell.  It’s an old fort that has been converted into a Baptist camp, and it’s on the coast of North Carolina.  I think this is the place I first felt that peace.  It might have something to do with the fact that that is where I came to know Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.

There is just something about sitting out there with the ocean lapping against the pilings, watching ships pass, and catching a glimpse of the occasional dolphin.  God fills my soul with peace there.

2. Sunrise on the beach.  Any beach will do, I suppose.  But being out on the sand, while watching the sky fade from gray to red to orange and yellow.  It’s just filled with such vibrant colors.  Since it’s early in the morning, there aren’t a lot of people out there, and God fills my soul with peace.

3.  Overlooking mountains.  When I’m looking out on God’s creation…land that He formed years and years ago, knowing that I would be looking at it now, seeing what His hands have molded.  Seeing the vastness of His land from atop a mountain, He fills my soul with peace.

Sometimes, I’ll get little moments in every day life where I feel this same peace.  But I can count on feeling that peace when I’m in those places.

Just being able to take a deep breath, and get rid of all the junk in my life as I let out that breath.  The peace settles in.

Knowing that God is taking care of me in every step of my life.

Knowing that God is beside me through everything I do.

Knowing that I am never, EVER alone.

Knowing that God has placed my family and friends in my life to support me.

Knowing God has designed my life in the best way so that I may do the work He has planned.

Knowing that my entire being has been designed to glorify Him in all that I do.

Knowing He loves me, no.matter.what.

I hope that you will be filled with God’s peace this Thanksgiving.  That you may know you are loved. =.)

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

Confession...

**Disclaimer: this is really personal for me. I've been struggling with this for a few months, now. The whole point of this blog is to talk about my life, and this is a huge part of my life. So, here goes...

I found God's salvation when I was 12 years old. God's grace saved me, and I became a follower of Christ. Over the years, I've tried to live my life in a Godly fashion to be pleasing to Him.

Now, let's talk about my personal relationship with Jesus, because that's really what it's all about. You know about the footprints poem, right? If not, go read it - it's a good one. Anyways...I have another analogy, one that is how I see myself, that is similar. You see, I feel that Jesus is always walking in a straight path, a path that I know very well. When I'm at my best, my path is right beside his or identical to his. When I'm at my worst, my path has veered off, and is nowhere near Jesus' path. {P.S. It sounds better in my head, before I tried to put this to paper.}

Where am I right now? I think maybe I'm in the middle. I'm not walking with Jesus the way that I know I need, but nor am I doing anything to make my path allign with Jesus'. Does that make any sense? The worst part of it all is that I know that I need to make some changes, and I want to be closer in my relationship with God, but I'm not doing anything to fix this. And I don't want y'all to think that I'm doing anything really awful, but I'm still sinning, and a sin is a sin - no excuses.

So, my reason for this post? It will be accountability for me, because I've written it, and I know people (at least a few!) have read it. I will make my life better because I will make right my personal relationship with God.

And I'll leave you with some words from Max Lucado, because I read them, and they just spoke to me. It's from his new book Fearless that comes out sometime this year.

"When you place your faith in Christ, Christ places his Spirit before, behind, and within you. Not a strange spirit, but the same Spirit: the parakletos. Everything Jesus did for his followers, his Spirit does for you. Jesus taught; the Spirit teaches. Jesus healed; the Spirit heals. Jesus comforted; his Spirit comforts. As Jesus sends you into new seasons, he sends his counselor to go with you."

"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6