Sunday, June 26, 2011

A depressing post…

…just mark as read if you’re not in the mood for anything “heavy.”  It’s kind of deep, very honest, and not a light post.

My 28th birthday.  I was hoping for the most amazing present.  I was hoping that I would be pregnant.
And not just because it’s my birthday.  I know better than that.  This month, though, we tried a different approach.  I took different medicine, had an ultrasound to verify a follicle, a shot to force ovulation.

So, not only was I hopeful – I was expectant.  Because things looked so much more promising this time around.

And I should have known better.  Let’s be blunt – we’ve been trying to get me pregnant for over 2 years.  I should just know better.

But if I’ve learned anything from this experience (and I’ve learned a lot), it’s that my plan and expectations mean nothing.

So, less than a week before my birthday, instead of a positive pregnancy test, I get my period.  Happy Birthday to me.

Wednesday I started spotting.  And on Wednesday, one of my best friends also told me that she was pregnant.  Holy emotional overload.

This post – it’s just honest.  It’s how I feel.

I’m extremely happy for my friend.  I love her, and I can’t wait to meet their little baby.  But that doesn’t make it easy for me.

Now?  I’m angry.  I’m disappointed.  I’m sad.  I feel guilty.  I’m jealous.  I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of not being able to control my tears.  I’m questioning God and His timing.  I’m not questioning His existence – just His reasoning, His timing.  I’m tired of the “It’ll happen” remarks.  I’m tired of the pity.  I’m tired of “waiting for it to happen”.  I’m tired of the headaches and roller coaster emotions caused by my medicines.  I’m just tired.

And Marc.  Bless him…he’s been so good through all this.  I mean, he has an over-emotional wife who can’t stop crying.  And there’s nothing anyone can say, even Marc, that makes it better.  He – the way he’s been with all of this – I love him even more than I thought I could.

So I go through this cycle emotionally.  Resolve to go through the process yet again.  Hope, even though I tell myself to keep in check – not to get my hopes up, not to expect anything.  Disbelief – maybe it’s implantation bleeding, not spotting.  Disappointment and anger (at myself, because I know better than to hope too much) because I’ve started my period.  Again.  Sadness and tears.

Is there a point where we take a break?  Because everyone says “It’ll happen when you least expect it.”  Well, that time has come and gone, again and again.  Because every month, I start out being realistic, and the hope, faith, and optimism just build, and I’m overwhelmed by the let down.

And it’s not just me that I let down, but so many others.  I know that there are so many people who go through this with us.  There are so many people who love us who want this for us, too.  And they’re heartbroken every month, too.  And not just because of that, but because they see our pain, and they hurt with and for us.

I feel as though I’m a failure, as though my body is a failure.  I question my body.  I question what I’ve done, or not done, so that God won’t give me a baby.  I know that’s not how it works.  I KNOW that.  But in the midst of my tears, I get angry at God.  I question Him.  I want to know what His timing is.  What I’ve done wrong in my life.  What do I need to still do?  Like I said – I KNOW that’s not how it goes, but that’s just how I FEEL.

So, what does it all mean?  Where do I stand, now?  Same place as every month.  Ready to try, again, for another month.  Bitter is probably the best feeling to describe how I feel right now, though.  I’ll be better in a week – better when I can think things through more logically, less emotionally.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading.  I’m sorry for being Debbie Downer.  I’ve been debating whether to write this or not…but it’s been good for me to write things down.  I would love your prayers, though. :) Can I ask for prayers?  And not just that God would give me the desires of my heart, but that I will be strengthened.  Strengthened in spirit, in body.  Emotionally.  Thank you, loves. :) I appreciate you. :)


Tiffany Cheshire said...

You know how much I love you...

ps: what's even more depressing is that we're turning 28, not 27 :)

Hi, I'm Susan! said...

praying for peace in your heart today.

Kate said...

I'm sorry for your hurts. I know that it may be hard to be happy for your best friend but so thankful that you do it anyway.