God answers

I was in the car on Saturday, flipping through radio stations, and I landed on K-LOVE.  And I’ll be honest – I don’t know the song or the artist, but she was describing how she came to write this song.  I think it might have been called Blessings?  I’m not sure.

Anyways.  It’s based on a verse from James:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds…” – James 1:2

Now, right now, I’m going to work on the joy part of this journey.  It’s gonna be difficult.  Really difficult.  But I’m going to work on it. :)

A depressing post…

…just mark as read if you’re not in the mood for anything “heavy.”  It’s kind of deep, very honest, and not a light post.


My 28th birthday.  I was hoping for the most amazing present.  I was hoping that I would be pregnant.
And not just because it’s my birthday.  I know better than that.  This month, though, we tried a different approach.  I took different medicine, had an ultrasound to verify a follicle, a shot to force ovulation.


So, not only was I hopeful – I was expectant.  Because things looked so much more promising this time around.


And I should have known better.  Let’s be blunt – we’ve been trying to get me pregnant for over 2 years.  I should just know better.


But if I’ve learned anything from this experience (and I’ve learned a lot), it’s that my plan and expectations mean nothing.


So, less than a week before my birthday, instead of a positive pregnancy test, I get my period.  Happy Birthday to me.


Wednesday I started spotting.  And on Wednesday, one of my best friends also told me that she was pregnant.  Holy emotional overload.


This post – it’s just honest.  It’s how I feel.


I’m extremely happy for my friend.  I love her, and I can’t wait to meet their little baby.  But that doesn’t make it easy for me.


Now?  I’m angry.  I’m disappointed.  I’m sad.  I feel guilty.  I’m jealous.  I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of not being able to control my tears.  I’m questioning God and His timing.  I’m not questioning His existence – just His reasoning, His timing.  I’m tired of the “It’ll happen” remarks.  I’m tired of the pity.  I’m tired of “waiting for it to happen”.  I’m tired of the headaches and roller coaster emotions caused by my medicines.  I’m just tired.


And Marc.  Bless him…he’s been so good through all this.  I mean, he has an over-emotional wife who can’t stop crying.  And there’s nothing anyone can say, even Marc, that makes it better.  He – the way he’s been with all of this – I love him even more than I thought I could.


So I go through this cycle emotionally.  Resolve to go through the process yet again.  Hope, even though I tell myself to keep in check – not to get my hopes up, not to expect anything.  Disbelief – maybe it’s implantation bleeding, not spotting.  Disappointment and anger (at myself, because I know better than to hope too much) because I’ve started my period.  Again.  Sadness and tears.


Is there a point where we take a break?  Because everyone says “It’ll happen when you least expect it.”  Well, that time has come and gone, again and again.  Because every month, I start out being realistic, and the hope, faith, and optimism just build, and I’m overwhelmed by the let down.


And it’s not just me that I let down, but so many others.  I know that there are so many people who go through this with us.  There are so many people who love us who want this for us, too.  And they’re heartbroken every month, too.  And not just because of that, but because they see our pain, and they hurt with and for us.


I feel as though I’m a failure, as though my body is a failure.  I question my body.  I question what I’ve done, or not done, so that God won’t give me a baby.  I know that’s not how it works.  I KNOW that.  But in the midst of my tears, I get angry at God.  I question Him.  I want to know what His timing is.  What I’ve done wrong in my life.  What do I need to still do?  Like I said – I KNOW that’s not how it goes, but that’s just how I FEEL.


So, what does it all mean?  Where do I stand, now?  Same place as every month.  Ready to try, again, for another month.  Bitter is probably the best feeling to describe how I feel right now, though.  I’ll be better in a week – better when I can think things through more logically, less emotionally.


If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading.  I’m sorry for being Debbie Downer.  I’ve been debating whether to write this or not…but it’s been good for me to write things down.  I would love your prayers, though. :) Can I ask for prayers?  And not just that God would give me the desires of my heart, but that I will be strengthened.  Strengthened in spirit, in body.  Emotionally.  Thank you, loves. :) I appreciate you. :)

May 2011

The month in review. :)

So proud of my best friend!! Tiffany graduated from UNC with her Masters!! :)  I’m so excited for her.

After the graduation ceremony, her husband threw her a great dinner.  This is after dinner, and I love them. :) They love each other SO.MUCH. And I love seeing them together.  They make me happy. :)

The kids in TinyTown at church sand some songs for us one Sunday morning.  Ava, my youngest niece, is the on on the right in the blue dress with a bow in her hair.  She was so funny, as always.  Love seeing kids sing to God! :)

We did landscaping around the front of the house.  This is the picture the day we did the planting.  Since then, we’ve added a dogwood tree to the right front, just beside the sidewalk, and spread more mulch to the left.  It only took us 3 years to add some “curb” appeal. :)

For my brother’s birthday, he decided that he wanted to race 4-wheelers, again.  Two weeks later, he raced again.  We went to see him, and rode with his wife and kids.  Ava passed out on the way.

This is Brock with some of the other guys who raced that night looking over the track.  Brock’s on the 4-wheeler.

And this is Brock during the practice.  I love watching him race.  He’s such a natural, and so good!  He won first place that night!! :)

We spent Memorial Day at the beach with friends.  It’s always a great, relaxing time.  The guys went fishing on Saturday, and came back with a lot of dolphin (mahi).  This is the biggest one they caught, >30 lbs.  It was GREAT fried up Sunday on the beach!! :)

And this is one with all of their fish.

The girls with the fish, and the big fisherman of the day! :)

Everyone game Marc a hard time because his shirt looks like the dolphin.  If you count him, he’s the biggest catch of the day! :)

Sunday of Memorial Weekend:

Sand bar at low tide…the guys pushed us off

Wild horses on Carrot Island.  Seriously, one of the most beautiful sights there is…

And that’s pretty much it for May.  Great month.

Now, I’m looking forward to the rest of June. :) Two of my nieces have birthdays, helping to host a baby shower for one of our life group couples, DEF LEPPARD concert (I.cannot.WAIT!!) with all the friends, my 28th birthday, which then leads to July and another weekend at the beach. :)

Hope you’re having a great month! :)