Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The hard stuff…

I always have this internal debate about how personal, how “real”, to get on this blog.

And I often think that it would be easier if I were completely anonymous.  Or if all of you were anonymous, so that I didn’t know exactly (using the term loosely) who views this blog.

In all honesty, it’s harder to write, harder to be me, knowing that people I know in real life read what I write.

Because it’s hard to be happy all the time.  Especially when that’s not reality.

So.  What’s real?

- I was miserable in my job for the past two years.  I’m finally happy with my job (same job, different leadership/staff).  We are in a different office, with different leadership, different everything, really.  And I love it.  Not to say I don’t miss some of the former – I miss my former receptionist = she’s a really nice lady, and she knew exactly what to do. I miss my old commute time = I’m driving about 45 minutes each way, now.  Gives me time to think and unwind after work, though. :)

- For the past 26 months, I’ve been unable to get pregnant.  And it’s not for lack of trying! ;) So, by definition, I’m dealing with infertility.  Is it a coincidence that I’ve been unhappy at work for about the same amount of time?  No.  I don’t really believe in coincidences.  I do believe that God knows best.  And He knew that mentally, and emotionally, I wouldn’t have been able to be the best mom.  With that being said, I’m happy, now, God!  I’m ready (or as ready as I can get?)!! :) (There have been many doctors visits, many tests, my body works, my husband’s body works…just no kid.  Yet.)

- When I was miserable at work, I had TONS of extra time to goof off online and write blogs.  Currently, I’m slammed with work, and thus, have no time to blog at work.  Shame.  And by the time I get home, after working on a computer for 8+ hours, sue me for not wanting to get on the laptop there to blog.  I’ve got to work something out, though.  I miss my writing out my thoughts. :)

- My 10 year high school reunion is this year.  I’ll be one of “those people” at the homecoming football game.  One of “those people” that, at the time, I thought was so old.  And this event, stupid as it may be, has me looking at my life and evaluating what I’ve DONE with my life over the past 10 years.  Besides graduating from college and getting married…can’t say that there’s much else I’ve DONE.  Kind of depressing.  And this goes back to the fact that I can’t get pregnant.  Now THAT would be an accomplishment!! :)

- My trust in God is constantly tested.  Do I trust that God will give me a baby?  Do I trust that He is faithful to me and my desires?  Do I simply trust God?  Yes.  I do.  Is it always easy and happy doing so?  Absolutely not.  I have to consistently remind myself that there’s a plan.  And it’s not MY plan.  If it were MY plan, I would have gotten pregnant 2 years ago, and I’d have a little rugrat running around. :)  God’s plan is different from mine, obviously, but His plan is perfect. :) Sometimes, though, my heart hurts too much to listen to reason, and I throw myself a pity party.  I’m forever on this emotional roller coaster that NEVER.ENDS.  Thank you, hormone drugs.  I’m forever grateful.

I have to laugh and make jokes about our situation.  I mean, how else do you work through it?  And I am in NO WAY saying that our infertility path is worse than yours is or might be.  Either way, it just sucks.  Some women may NEVER get pregnant.  And that thought saddens me.  I’m often angry…so, so angry…when I hear that some girl, woman, whatever is pregnant.  And I get judgmental, thinking that the family and home and LOVE that I can and will provide one day is better than someone else’s.  I’m absolutely EATEN UP with jealousy.  And I hate it.  And I have to check myself.  But that’s how I feel.  That’s honest.


With that, I hope I haven’t scared you off. :) And if I do know you in real life, can we keep this between just you and me?  I know that this isn’t a private blog, but I’d love to think that I can trust you. :) Pretty please?

And if you struggle with infertility, and need to vent about the “injustices” of it all, I’m here.  I am in NO WAY an expert.  But I have some experience.  And I can share with you.  And I’m being told, though many sermons and bible verses that just keep.showing.up that this may be part of my personal ministry.  My way of showing God’s love for all of his children – young and old. :)

Have a great day, everyone! :)

And because I HAVE to have a photo – and I need something happy to go with this heavy post.  So, in anticipation of Memorial Day, here you go.  Can’t wait for some beach time with our friends…much needed break! :)